Adolescence: Is It A Blessing Or A Curse?
A Word to Parents
As I started to write this, I realised that I may have had a limited understanding of what being a teenager in the 21st century entails. While some things may remain the same, such as the challenges of navigating relationships, many new complexities come with growing up in a world that is constantly changing. As a parent, I've become more aware of how technology and social media have impacted the lives of young people today; I also recognise that identity formation has always been a struggle during adolescence, including myself, as a teenager in the '90s.
I have been questioning who needs to do the work most. As parents, we will be tested through the transition through the teen years. We can either rise to the occasion and learn how to relate to this child who no longer wants to know us, or we can blame the child for being difficult, labelling them defiant. You can take them to the doctor and drug them… I am beginning to question if youth are being medicated for behaviours and attitudes consistent with “normal teenage development”. Do you feel confident in handling the changes that you are witnessing your child go through?
What is Identity?
As a parent, I remember when my son said he wanted to pierce his nose. At first, I was hesitant, worried about how others might perceive him and how this might affect his future. But as I listened to him explain his reasoning, I realised that this was an opportunity for him to express himself and explore his identity. Ultimately, I decided to support his decision, and watching him walk out of the piercing shop with confidence and pride with his new piercing was a moment I will never forget.
Identity is a complex concept that can be difficult to define. It is not something that can be purchased or achieved through material possessions or social status. Rather, it is a sense of self that comes from within and is shaped by our experiences, values, and beliefs. As a teenager, it can be easy to get caught up in the latest trends and fashions and to feel like our worth is tied to our appearance or popularity. However, it is essential to remember that our true Identity is much deeper than these surface-level attributes.
What is Normal During Adolescence?
If you are reading this as a parent, I am about to share something that will not land comfortably. I recently attended a training on Youth Mental Health; as I sat and flipped through the training workbook provided, I came across a list that admittedly took me by surprise. As listed as “normal adolescent attitudes and behaviours”. The page listed virtually all the complaints parents raise with me when they want counselling support for their “broken children'.” That once loving child who looked at you with admiration, believing that you were able to fix everything. The child who idolised you not so long ago suddenly offers the side eye if you dare speak. This adolescent child gives a pinball machine a run for its money with the frequency with which they roll their eyes.
“Normal” Adolescent Attitudes and Behaviours”
During adolescence, individuals may be more influenced by their peers than their parents or other authority figures.
They may become defensive about their personal life and angry if questioned too much.
They might also be secretive about their activities and sometimes lie to avoid facing consequences.
They may prefer spending time with friends rather than family and can seem isolated at home.
Adolescents can also be obsessively focused on their appearance and fashion, including having the "right" shoes, clothes, and haircuts.
While they may appear knowledgeable on essential topics, they can also be closed off to new information.
Adolescents may experience intense and unstable moods, which can lead to rapidly changing relationships.
They may also be focused on their own body and grooming, sometimes to the point of hogging the bathroom.
They can be aggressive verbally or physically but can also be vulnerable if others retaliate.
Adolescents might be highly critical of themselves and others but also sensitive to criticism.
They may use denial, fantasy, or daydreaming as coping mechanisms.
Adolescents can be social and talkative with friends, often gossiping or sharing information.
They might struggle with planning for the future beyond the immediate next steps.
They like to make their own decisions and have independence but can also be receptive to advice or guidance from trusted sources.
(Parents, if you want to be that trusted source? Be mindful of your tone, and do not come across as patronising!)
Adolescents may experiment with risky or illegal activities as they explore their boundaries and Identity.
A Word to Young People:
As alone as you may feel with all this, there are 1.1 billion Youth worldwide in the 15-24 year age group, Making up 18% of The world’s population. No, I can’t give you exact numbers regarding how many of these young people feel the same way you do, but I will take my best guess and go as far as saying barely anyone gets through completely unscathed If anyone at all. Young people are facing so many challenges, With the leading cause of death being suicide.
Teenage Identity Crisis Symptoms
Even though teenage identity formation has always been a challenging process, young people today face unique pressures and stressors that can make this process even more difficult. Mental health issues, substance abuse, and social isolation are just a few of the challenges that young people may face during this time. However, there are also many protective factors that can help to support young people during this process, including strong relationships with caring adults, a sense of belonging to a community, and access to supportive services and resources.
What Is Identity Formation?
Identity formation is a lifelong process that begins in childhood and continues throughout our lives. As we grow and develop, we constantly learn more about ourselves and the world around us, and our sense of Identity evolves along with these experiences. It is essential to recognise that our identities are not fixed or predetermined but rather are shaped by our choices and actions, as well as the opportunities and challenges that we encounter along the way. Some would argue Identity is a social construct. Much of our understanding is formed through our internal dialogue and the stories we tell ourselves. Our values and beliefs tend to play their part as we continue this quest for meaning. Our mind is often the most significant, wildest beast we will ever need to learn to master.
I remember a stupid rhyme from “Back in my Day”: “Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, I think I’ll eat some worms.” this rhyme has been around for years, further evidence that beliefs, thoughts, and feelings have been creating problems; for as long as humans have been on this planet. Some of my past inner mean girl verbiages included things like
• I’m a loser
• No one understands me; I have no friends
• Everyone hates me
• I’m fat, ugly, no one will ever love me
• I’m boring
Rene Descartes, a famous philosopher, scientist and mathematician, once said, “I think; therefore I am”. One could say, “I feel; therefore, I am.”- As often, we allow our feelings to dictate what we believe to be true.
As females? Our hormones can play into this in powerful ways. Pay close attention to how you see yourself in the mirror each month when you get your period. Pay attention to how your emotions can be all over the place in the days before the mighty river begins to flow.
Maybe you’re on contraceptives? These also can play into our moods in huge ways. Hormones do tend to try to control us in powerful and destructive ways.
It all sounds pretty bleak. While the truth is an emotion only lasts about 90 seconds. You get triggered, and you feel the feels… while if you notice the emotion, it passes pretty quickly. If you grab hold of it? That fleeting emotion will hang around for as long as you choose to stay in that emotional loop!
Our image often gets worn like armour. It protects us from the judgement or rejection we fear most. How someone presents themselves to the world can be worlds apart from what's happening for them on the inside. Going to sleep at night when alone with our thoughts is often when we feel the most empty, insecure, and lonely. Perhaps even scared?
Has the voice of your inner b*tch ever whispered: “If they really knew you, they would hate you”?
Some of The Questions Needing Answers:
Yet who is this YOU, as in who is the real you?
How well do you know yourself?
What are your hidden dreams?
What things make you feel alive?
What talents, strengths, and gifts do you hold?
Where is your road taking you?
Discovering the answers to these questions is the real work behind establishing a solid sense of “self”.
Contributing factors:
• Mental Health Issues
• Developmental changes in the brain that impact both cognitive and emotional function
• Drug and alcohol use
• Social factors like unsupportive friends
• Not having even just one supportive adult around
• Family dysfunction and breakdown
• Poor educational outcomes (yeah, school sux; so who even cares, right?)
• Socioeconomic Factors
• Extreme risk-taking behaviours
• Increasing pressure from being switched on and connected 24/7 through devices
Protective Factors:
• Strong supportive relationships with parents and the other significant adults in your life. Keeping in mind family often extends beyond just our birth families. It’s the people who offer you safety and security and who love and support you unconditionally throughout your teen years.
• You were born to be in a relationship with others; doing life with real friends will give you a greater sense of connection. IRL!
• Feeling safe at school.
• Belonging to something greater than you. Get involved in your wider community, experience culture, and get connected within a church youth group or a sports team.
• Feeling safe within the community or area where you live
• Knowing what services and supports are available to you. So that you can access support when you need it.
Step Into Your Empowered Life
Personal empowerment means taking control of your own life and not allowing others to control it for you. By developing a healthy sense of self, you will build your understanding of personal agency and autonomy, no longer being as easily swayed by the world around you.
As your sense of personal power grows, it can be developed to become your trusted compass. Think of it in part as designing your own GPS or Google Maps; you can choose your destination. You finally start gaining clarity over where you're going!
Greater self-awareness requires understanding your strengths and weaknesses, having a clear view of your goals, and knowing where you want to be in life. Your beliefs and values will need to be located; this way, you can use them to help make hard decisions. Your values are like your heartbeat. If you want to increase motivation and feel a sense of purpose and meaning, align your choices closely with what brings you true joy; some habits and behaviours may need to be challenged. Personal development is closely aligned to living an empowered life.
Development Focus Areas:
As you go through life and continue to step into your full potential. Areas you will likely want to develop and grow clarity regarding might be:
• Values and Beliefs (Values=Opinions)
• Skills, strengths and your available resources
• Increasing Tools and Knowledge to increase self-awareness
• Creating clear goals
• Understanding Purpose
• Building confidence and self-esteem
• Understanding the power of words and becoming mindful of self-talk
• Creating resilience
• Silencing the inner mean girl
• Leadership skills
• Communication Skills
• Discovering your personality type.
I wish I could promise that through a single coaching series, course, program or group, we could all become empowered and complete. Yet this would be untrue. I can, though, offer young people a great foundation to start this lifelong journey, helping them to gain a level of self-awareness, confidence and belief that will make the road ahead easier.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments, too. Just for fun, there are many free quizzes on values, personality, attachment styles, and more available online. They are not 100% accurate but can offer insight and something to consider.
