Complaining: The Case For Emotional Regulation
Complaining: We All Do It
I don’t know about you, but throughout my lifetime I have both been, and been around many negative people. Those committed to complaining, with the drama cycle as their side piece.
There remains three types of people I struggle to understand.
Chronic Complainers: People that complain about how hard life is while making no attempt to improve it
Self-Deceiver: People that seem ignorant to their own flaws, while being experts finding the faults in others
Magical Thinkers: People that make frequent excuses as to why they can’t take responsibility, while expecting others to fix the mess they’ve made
Before you gasp and take offence wondering how I ever ended up in the counselling space, let me assure you that generally by the time a person reaches out for Counselling; they have realised that something is not working and they’re ready to explore other ideas.
While occasionally? I have been sought out as some kind of miracle maker for the magical thinker. Unlike Jesus turning water into wine, there are no miracles to be found here. Mastering emotions requires doing the work.
I tend to resonate most with person number 2, the self-deceiver; at times, all 3 have been played out. Let’s be honest… it’s so much easier to find fault in others than having to sit with one’s own shadow side!
As a Counsellor I am still also fully human just as susceptible to the discomfort of everyday life experiences. I didn’t gain immunity through wearing a cap and a gown at graduation (it was the dream though).
Emotional Dysregulation: Externalising the Problem
I remember when my eldest was in primary school, our mornings were foul. Anyone observing would have been justified wondering where the adult was. It was considered a miracle morning if my son wasn’t in tears or completely defeated by the time we turned into the school driveway. While I would appease my mum guilt through trying to excuse my behaviour with blaming him.
He needs to be more organised (he was 6-years-old)
If he didn’t get so sidetracked we wouldn’t always be running late (forgetting the time I had lost, whilst doom scrolling, drinking my morning coffee)
If he was just more responsible (said by the mum who regularly locked the keys in the house)
When the image of my child’s heartbroken little face could not be erased from my minds eye, I’d phone a friend looking for validation. Attempting to justify my emotional immaturity. On the days my guilt triggered shame? I’d turn to Facebook to rant about my frustration, seeking support from others who understood my level of frustration. Discovering over time, that trying to complain to my mum would increase my guilt; as she would side with her grandson. Leaving me responsible. The very space I was attempting to avoid.
I wish I could recall how many years the above continued to reflect our weekday mornings. I suspect I had levelled up by the time my second child started primary school.
Diagnosed with adult ADHD almost 2-years-ago; I have made peace with not being a morning person, continuing to struggle getting anywhere on time in the mornings. I’m convinced I will be late to my own funeral.
While the 6-year-old is now 19 and models punctuality like a boss. Making it his life goal to not be anything like his mother. The start of high school with my second child has required increasing my self-compassion. He is the 13-year-old male version of me.
The true irony? He was born the same year my eldest started primary school. Let that sink in. Temperament or learnt behaviour? I will let you decide. What has changed is me.
Emotional Regulation: Reacting vs Responding
Emotional regulation is a crucial skill that allows us to navigate the ups and downs of life with grace and resilience. It involves being aware of our emotions, understanding them, and then choosing how to respond to them in a healthy and constructive way. When it comes to interacting with others, emotional regulation can make a significant difference in our ability to react versus respond.
Reacting is often an instinctive and impulsive behavior that occurs when we allow our emotions to take control of our actions. It can lead to hasty decisions, hurtful words, and damaged relationships. On the other hand, responding is a thoughtful and intentional approach that allows us to consider the situation, our emotions, and the impact of our words and actions.
Framing emotional regulation within the context of reacting versus responding highlights the importance of taking a step back and evaluating our emotions before acting on them. By doing so, we can avoid knee-jerk reactions that we may later regret. Instead, we can choose to respond in a way that aligns with our values and promotes positive outcomes.
Know Your Triggers
“Everything can be taken from a man but…the last of the human freedoms– to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”
-Viktor Frankl
One way to practice emotional regulation is through self-awareness. By becoming attuned to our emotions, we can better understand what triggers certain reactions within us. This self-awareness allows us to recognize when we are starting to react emotionally and gives us the opportunity to pause and reflect before responding.
Through what I have shared, I hope you were able to identify my intimate connection to the three types of complainers. I do believe we are easily irritated in others by the things we reject about ourselves, or that which reinforces the beliefs of our inner critic. My list includes:
Emotionally Immature Parents
Morning People
Not taking accountability for own actions
Excuses
‘Gonna’ people
Blame shifting
People pleasers
Perfect parents
Being cut off- or worse still, someone not listening
Topping the list? Freaks who claim coffee, Mi Goreng Noodles, and chocolate should not form a healthy diet… not happening Karen! I am happy to leave the Kale and celery juice to the joyless people in the world!
Power of the PAUSE
Another helpful technique is to take a moment to breathe and centre ourselves. Deep breathing exercises can help calm our nervous system and provide clarity and focus. This pause allows us to regain control over our emotions and respond more thoughtfully.
FAIL: First Attempt In Learning
“Courage allows the successful woman to fail and learn powerful lessons from the failure. So that in the end, she didn’t fail at all.”
― Maya Angelou
“It’s only a thought and a thought can be changed.”
-Louise Hay
Reframing our thoughts can also aid in emotional regulation. Instead of viewing a situation as a personal attack or a threat, we can choose to see it as an opportunity for growth and understanding.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt
This shift in perspective can help us respond with empathy and compassion, rather than defensiveness or aggression.
“There are always choices there for you.
In other words, you can look at the hole in the wall or you can look at the beautiful painting.
You can look at the lightbulb that is out, or you can see the lightbulb that is working.
You can look at your mate in his positive aspect or you can look at your mate in his negative aspect.
You can look at your own body and find something that pleases you or find something that doesn’t.
You can remember your childhood and find something of pleasure or you can find something that makes you feel discouraged.
You can remember a compliment or you can remember somebody down on you.
You can remember your love or you can remember your hate.
In other words, you have that choice in every moment.”
-Abraham Hicks
Daily Practice
Ultimately, emotional regulation is a skill that can be developed and strengthened with practice. It empowers us to take control of our emotions and choose how we want to engage with others. By framing our interactions through the lens of reacting versus responding, we can cultivate healthier relationships, foster effective communication, and lead a more fulfilling life.
To the mum reading this who loves school mornings as much as I do? I raise a mug filled with the strongest coffee and salute you! You’ve got this! 💜